i'm really getting impatient. it's like i keep setting these arbitrary dates for myself to have a baby... first it was christmas, because i was having all these dreams about the baby being born a month early. maybe i was just dreaming of a big and special present? or maybe i was dreaming that i wouldn't have enough time to get everything done and baby was going to be here too soon? but then christmas came and went, and there was no baby. then i thought, maybe baby would be born on my grampa's birthday. and no baby came that day. so then i thought, maybe baby will be born when my mom gets here. and that day passed by, and no baby. the full moon was on the 22nd, certainly the gravitational pull would bring us our child... nope. and then january 24 seemed like a good day too -- adam said he wouldn't mind starting a new tradition of 24 birthdays, and i was happy to help out with that wish. (everyone else in his family has a birthday on the 17th of their birth month. except for adam, who was born on a 24. so maybe we could have a baby on the 24th as well, so that they can start their own new tradition.) but still nothing.
last night, the sky was clear and the moon was just past full, and the moonshadows in the nursery were so beautiful and silvery and magical. and i stood up there, looking, just being present in the moonlight. and i started to cry. because i just MISS spruitje soooo much. does that sound crazy? i hope not! i know that this is the only time in our lives when the two of us will actually be together for every moment of every day. but at the same time i really deeply miss my baby. i miss his little fingers gripping tightly to my fingers, his tiny little toes filling up his cute little socks, his perfect little head, his cry, his scent, his soft pale skin... i feel like i can see spruitje so clearly, and imagine the weight of his body in my arms, and the length of his body in his crib, and the smell of his skin after a bath. and i can't experience any of that right now. it makes me miss him, because i want so badly to hold him and meet him. (or her... omg, what if it's a girl? how funny would that be?! my street cred as this psychic, intuitive dream interpreter would go down the toilet for sure!)
it's not that i'm tired of being pregnant. i'm really not. i have enjoyed every moment of this magical and faith-full experience. i am centered in gratitude and joy every day. i do feel more "inconvenienced" than "uncomfortable" right now -- at 40 weeks i still don't have a single stretch mark (i am VERY proud of that -- and shocked too!) and my feet aren't swollen and even though i have to pee all the time it's not like that's an impossible task. the most difficult thing is putting on shoes and socks, but that's not the end of the world. in other words, i love being pregnant, and i am so thrilled at my discovery of the strength and health of my body.
but i am ready to move on now. i'm ready to have a baby. i'm ready to be a mommy and to hold our child. when will it happen?
babies come when they are ready, i know that. and my body has been getting baby ready, and has been showing signs of preparing itself for labor: last night for example i had a particularly strong contraction that woke me out of a deep sleep, and i could feel my strong spruitje kicking and squirming in there trying to get more room out of this contracting uterus, and yet the contraction kept coming. and i thought to myself, "THERE we go! all right! keep it coming!" and then i fell asleep again and noticed another contraction, less strong, later in the night. so it's not like i'm frozen in time and my body isn't working already. it's just that i start getting these sensations and i get all excited to get my labor started, and then it just stops. grrr. when will it keep going? when will it actually be something?
okay that's enough for today. i just wanted to let you all know what was up, cuz every day it seems like i get at least one or two phone calls or emails, asking if the baby is here yet. NO. he's not. we will let you all know via email and/or phone when spruitje arrives, so please don't think that we will keep it a secret! in the meantime, please continue to pray for a healthy baby and a healthy mama and a safe delivery here at home. we'll do the rest!