monday was bad. i am so anxious and impatient for this baby to be born, that i had a breakdown on monday. i was crying so hard that i actually lost a contact and peed my pants. even for a 9-months-plus pregnant woman, i have excellent control "down there", but i just lost it. literally. i lost control of my emotions and just broke down, and every time i would scream a little bit to let the tears out, i would pee a little bit too. which made me want to hold back the tears so i wouldn't pee myself. but that didn't feel good cuz i really wanted to let out the tears, so i would, but then i'd pee again. which obviously did not help the situation. AND i was wearing my last clean pair of pants that actually FIT me. so that doesn't make me feel any better either. and then at the end of it, i notice that i've lost a contact. and my mom is just sitting on the kitchen floor hugging me, and adam is running around trying to find me clean clothes and my water bottle, and i'm just a soggy mess.
so on tuesday, we decided to get my pregnant butt out of the house for a change of scenery. it totally helped. i got all dressed up (even managed to shave my legs somehow!) and we took the train to gronau, germany, shortly after lunchtime. it was a quick trip, just about 30 minutes (including our short transfer in enschede), and mom looked like she wanted to roll down the windows of the train and stick her head out like a dog -- she was so excited!
we arrived in gronau not quite sure what to do or where to go, so after asking a nice lady at the tourist bureau near the station, we were guided in the direction of downtown. a few minutes later, we were looking at some pretty tower and just thinking how cool it was that we were in germany... like driving across town, but now you're in a different country.
we really didn't do much that afternoon -- just walked around mostly. we went inside this beautiful church and lit some candles and admired the gorgeous stained glass windows. we went to a bakery and sampled the different pastries and pretzel sticks and bread rolls. mom got another roll and went outside to feed the pigeons, and a couple of small children stopped by to watch the crazy lady feed the birds. mom shared a piece of her bread with a little girl so that she could feed the birds too, but the girl decided to eat the bread herself instead of sharing it with the birds. it made all of us, including the girl's mother, laugh pretty hard.
at the end of our exploring, we found a little beer pub at the end of downtown, and ordered a couple of beers. we taught mom how to say "may i have another beer please" and though she slaughtered the accent when she made it up to the bar, the bartender understood her nonetheless. ("darf ich noch ein beer haben" turned into "darf ish nagk ayn beer hayben" or something. but it worked! i was very proud of her, and the bartender seemed pleased as well!)
we left town just a few hours later and were home by about 6:00 pm. we stopped by a turkish deli on the way home and got some really spicy dip and bread, along with a few other dishes to try out. later that night i ended up having pretty regular contractions, only a few minutes apart, and both adam and i totally thought labor was beginning. we were just about to start timing them as they had been nearly steady for about 45 minutes -- i got up to use the bathroom so that i could stay in bed longer and pay attention to the contractions. and then when i got back to bed, i had one more contraction and then nothing. NOTHING. nothing again for the rest of the night! AAAAAAARGH!
and now it's thursday and i'm STILL pregnant. i've had two more cry-fests since monday... mostly what i'm upset about is the idea that we might have to deliver in a hospital instead of at home. if we were in america, we would almost certainly be planning on delivering in a hospital, as that is more common back home anyway. so whether or not i need to be induced would be irrelevant, because i'd be going to a hospital regardless. but here, we've been planning and hoping for a home birth (as is the dutch way, and more our style anyway) with our loving midwives. and every day that passes means that wish is less and less likely to come true. the good news is that the baby is still healthy and so am i (we just had another midwife appt this afternoon), and no matter where we deliver this child, he or she IS going to be born eventually (hard for me to believe that at this point, but it's true), and very, very soon we will be holding spruitje in our arms. and that's all that matters. but still... it would be so nice to be able to welcome her to the world in a loving, gentle, and familiar space.
please pray for a healthy and safe home birth of a healthy and whole child.