Tuesday, October 23, 2007

cleanup in aisle 5...

but it hasn't been all fun all the time. i've been really blessed to have such an amazing pregnancy, and to have such a seemingly healthy baby, but i do have my (very infrequent) moments...

there was one day when we were in ireland, when adam, bob, rae, and myself all went to do some grocery shopping in dingle town. all day long i had just felt awkward and dumpy and frumpy and fat and awful -- the baby suddenly felt like he weighed a ton, and i couldn't breathe very well, and i felt like i couldn't move, and i was tired and annoyed with being pregnant, and just wanted to take a break from it, just for a day.

and so here we were, in this beautiful grocery store with all sorts of treats everywhere, and i disappear to the cereal aisle to find myself something fun to eat, since the majority of cereal here in hengelo is either muesli or cornflakes. (they're not big on the cereals out here -- it's mostly bread and coffee for breakfast.) and it's taking me a loooong time to decide: do i buy the frosted mini wheats because they don't have as much sugar in them, or do i get the cocoa krispies cuz that's really what i want to eat? and then adam comes to find me, because i'm taking FOREVER, and he tries to help me, and all of a sudden, i'm BAWLING.

seriously, heavily crying. big, hot tears running down my cheeks. because, i'm trying SO HARD to be a good mommy, to eat right and be healthy, but sometimes i don't want to have to worry about how much fish i'm eating, or sometimes i'd really like to have a guinness without having to share it with someone, or sometimes i'd like to be able to sleep on my back without worrying that i'm cutting off circulation to the baby, or maybe sometimes i'd like to be able to NOT be tired for once, or sometimes i'd like to be able to wear something that doesn't make me look like a house, or sometimes... sometimes i just don't want to be pregnant! sometimes i want to be able to buy the cereal that i'm craving and not worry about the amount of sugar in it! is that too much to ask?! and the worst part is, i'm only 6 months pregnant! i still have 3 more months of this bulls**t! is it too much to ask just to be normal again?

and all the while that i'm crying, i know that it's just my pregnancy hormones. i am laughing hysterically inside that i'm having a nervous breakdown in the cereal aisle in an irish grocery store, with my inlaws waiting for me in the car. but i can't seem to get the laughter to come out, only the tears and the frustration.

and adam, like a saint, just holds me and lets me have my private moment and hides my face from the other shoppers. and he hugs me and doesn't say anything for a long time so that i can just focus on the tears and the frustration for a moment, and then after a time says something to me like, "you're an amazing mother and you care so much already, and i think you're really responsible and loving, etc. etc. etc." just what i needed to hear. and then he wipes my tears for me and carries the cereal to the check out counter (even picks up a soy milk along the way!), and saves the day, once again.

a similar episode happened the next day at a lunch counter in some tiny town that i can't remember the name of, and it was ridiculous because the day was so lovely and amazing and the view was spectacular, and here i was crying over some soup that i wanted to eat that i couldn't order for whatever reason... sigh. it's stupid.

but since then, i've been feeling pretty even-keel again. (and, looking at pictures from those couple of days, i can totally see how big i seem to have gotten quite literally overnight -- my face and arms suddenly look a lot thicker, and my belly definitely looks a lot bigger too, so spruitje must have been growing a lot which might have caused a surge of hormones.) i usually feel like myself most days, and even adam says i haven't really had many emotional surges, even though all the doctors and pregnancy books say that it's a really common thing.

oh, and by the way, we ended up getting the cocoa krispies, and i ate the whole box by myself.


teresa said...

you`re a very good, brave, loving, careful mommy. i hope you enjoyed the cocoa crispies er whatever. i love you.

Valerie said...

You're such an amazing mother and person in general. You deserve cocoa crispies!!! (Plus, I truly believe that if you really really crave something that's not hazardous for yourself or the baby, you should have it. You deserve it!
*big hug*