Wednesday, September 13, 2006


as i sit here with the sun setting outside my window, over a pristine soccer field and a forest of sycamore and beeches, drinking a very inexpensive italian wine, reflecting on my day filled with croissants and apartment viewings, i'm struck by the thought: i'm sad.

i'm really, deeply, sincerely Sad.

it's so hard to be here sometimes. everything is foreign, everything is a challenge. just going to the grocery store is a mental exercise. does this soy milk have any cow milk in it? no? okay. what about goat milk? does it have goat milk? no? okay. just soy then? good. that's what i wanted. dank u wel. how about this. do i add water to this tomato soup? i don't? okay, which ones do i add water to? oh, i see it has meatballs in it. do you have any that are plain? you don't. okay. how do i say "plain" in dutch. oh, you DO. okay. where are those at? dank u wel.

and so on. at least buying beer is easy. it's ALL good here.

i've been feeling sick the past couple of days. a mild fever, fatigue, sometimes a head rush. i wondered if maybe i didn't fully recover from getting west nile virus right before we left colorado. (ps, i came down with a nasty case of west nile virus, no kidding, the week before we left town. that sucked.) but then after i thought about it somemore, i thought that maybe i'm just quite literally homesick. i'm eating weird food and sleeping in a weird bed and i'm talking in a weird language and even the air is weird here. it's like... thicker. or denser. or hazier. i don't know. it's just different.

everything's so frustratingly different.

it was hard to explain to adam before we left boulder that i'm not sad to come to holland. but rather, i'm sad to leave boulder. does that make sense? i'm sad to leave my home, my community, my career, my friends, to follow my husband to a foreign land where HE has a job and HE has a reason to be here. and then there's me. completely reliant on my husband for money, for friendship, for support. it's really a weird thing for such an independent woman. so again, it's not "coming to" enschede that makes me sad. it's "leaving from" boulder. that's heartbreaking. deeply, utterly heartbreaking.

i know that things will get better over time. i know that i'll make friends, i'll find massage clients, i'll find a lovely home here. yes, i know that. please stop telling me that. let me just be Here, with this sadness, because it's important to feel that and honor that too. i don't want to sound ungrateful for this opportunity, because i know how wonderful it all is. i just want to sound Real for a moment. let me be sad. and then tomorrow i'll get up again, go look at more apartments, try to find something at the store that tastes vaguely familiar, ride my bike... life will go on.

it will never be as strange as it was yesterday. i'll never be as lost and confused as i was the day before. but still... it's hard to be here. i'm tired now. i want to go home. and i can't. this is home now, and sometimes... sometimes.... sometimes that makes me sad.

adam with all of our worldly possessions.

we're waiting in the frankfurt, germany airport for our train to enschede, which had a transfer in munster. we had already been travelling for i think maybe 18 hours at this point.

that's a long way from home...


Neal McBurnett said...

Here's to the truth! It will set you free. If I were in your shoes, I'd be sad sometimes too....

Bob F. said...

You're so right! It is good to be home! And the Netherlands will be HOME and all will be good and peaceful again. And Boulder will still be there when you and Adam are ready. Guys get melancholy, too---take care of each other.

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teresa said...

my dear,
i am really feeling you on this, right now. i am NOT enjoying living abroad and away from family/home/beer/yellow mustard/soul food/central heating. . . etc. sigh.

it is amazing to read some of your old blogs from when you first moved to NL. . . and ponder how FULL your life is right now! how full your heart is! and your body, so full, too!

all things are impermanent.